How Early Experiences Shape Relationships

From social media feeds to dating shows on TV, dating apps and wedding invitations, it can seem like the topic of love and relationships is everywhere we go. While celebrating love and discussing dating and relationships can be fun and exciting, it’s not uncommon to feel left out – or even left behind – when the “happily ever after” hasn’t found us yet.

We might still be searching for a happy, healthy relationship, feel stuck in an unhappy or unfulfilling one, or feel apprehensive about putting ourselves out there at all. As a result, this might leave you feeling anxious, low, or like you’ve lost your spark, as self-esteem and confidence take a hit.

In therapy, there are many ways of working with these feelings. We can unpack and examine them, work to change unhelpful thoughts and behavioural patterns, build self-esteem and nurture a more compassionate sense of self.

Before jumping into tools and techniques for dealing with more surface-level issues like anxious thoughts or unhelpful behaviours, it’s useful to take some time to get to know oneself better. In this context, I mean being curious about and exploring your own “origin story” when it comes to love and relationships. By doing so, we can find increased clarity around hidden influences that might impact your patterns and motivations, as well as develop impactful strategies for meaningful change.

To support clients in doing this, there is one question I return to time and time again to get the ball rolling: “What did younger you learn about romantic love and relationships from the world you grew up in?”

This question works great as a starting point for reflection and exploration in therapy, but it is just as useful as a journaling prompt or as a prompt for reflection between therapy sessions. There is no right or wrong answer, and I encourage clients to vocalise whatever comes first to mind! Here I’ll share some frequently emerging themes to hopefully normalise some of these experiences and encourage you to start your own exploration.

Parents’ relationship

No surprise here, but your own parents’ relationship often emerges when exploring early experiences of romantic love. Certainly, this rings true for clients who have witnessed a turbulent, unhappy or even abusive relationship between their parents. The fear of repeating patterns and becoming equally unhappy or powerless can make someone apprehensive of relationships or avoid them entirely.

On the other hand, we might find ourselves unconsciously repeating unhealthy dynamics, leaving us feeling drained and hopeless in the search for a fulfilling and happy relationship. An important step towards breaking out of those unhelpful, or even harmful, patterns is to recognise where they started.

Something that can catch clients off guard is the impact of having parents who had, by all modern measures, a fairytale romance. They met young in some organic way and quickly built a life together with marriage, a house, and children. All milestones that are less likely, or even unattainable, for young adults today. When (unfairly) comparing your own journey of dating apps, flat shares and entering your 30s single, unsurprisingly, you might feel anxious, low, or like you’re failing or falling behind. Challenging some of these unfair comparisons in therapy can help clients feel less anxious and able to let go of shame.

Family expectations

Early messaging from family around love and relationships is another theme I see frequently. Clients who are told from a young age what is expected of them – to comply with parental or even cultural or religious expectations – can find themselves struggling when they reach adulthood.

Not only do they experience pressure to “get it right” when it comes to love and dating, but they can also feel stuck within a very narrow definition of what is acceptable in terms of their own feelings and desires. What if you can’t find an acceptable match? What if you do find love, but your partner doesn’t fit the approved template? Love and relationships become attached to safety and stability, family and even community belonging.

This is where therapy can help with untangling what you really want from what you feel like you should want. Discovering this distinction can help you live more authentically, in life as in love. Feeling anxious or stuck are normal human reactions when the expectations of others are heavily restricting you. Unpacking some of the more complex background at hand can help shift understanding of your difficulties from self-blame to self-compassion.

Early experiences of rejection

Finally, one theme that can emerge is around past experiences of rejection and shame related to love and dating. Schoolyard sweethearts that dumped or humiliated you, unrequited high school crushes, early partners that abruptly ended the relationship or cheated, the list goes on. Painful and unprocessed experiences from the past still linger and influence self-esteem and confidence, as well as feelings and expectations around love and relationships in the present.

It’s important to note that experiences of rejection from a parent can be just as impactful, and relationships with early caregivers often come up when exploring the topic of romantic love. Rejection in this instance can mean physical abandonment as well as emotional abandonment, when a parent is unable to be emotionally available and present with their child.

When these early experiences emerge in the therapy room, a therapist is there to provide you with the space, support and tools to heal. These experiences may be from the past, but the suffering they caused is having a very real impact in the present. This healing is important not because you’re “defective” or “undeserving” of a healthy and fulfilling relationship, but because these unprocessed experiences from the past can prevent you from getting the most from the present. And you deserve that.

To conclude, there are many ways to explore your early experiences related to romantic love and relationships. This article only provides a small taster of how a therapist could approach this topic in therapy. Wherever the journey takes you, therapy can provide a supportive and safe space to gain insight and clarity, heal from past experiences, gain practical tools and move towards change that feels meaningful to you.