The Power of Vulnerability in Healthy Relationships

Vulnerability has become a popular term in therapy and relationships, but what do we really mean when we encourage our clients to embrace their vulnerability?

In general, vulnerability refers to being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed. When someone reveals a vulnerability, they are showing a weakness that could be taken advantage of. If this is how a person views vulnerability, it's understandable why they might hesitate at the idea of being vulnerable with a loved one.

While vulnerability in an emotional sense does still open us up to the potential of being hurt, it is much more often a strength than a weakness. Brené Brown, a researcher and a storyteller who has spent years studying topics like courage, empathy, shame, and vulnerability, defines vulnerability as “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.” What makes someone courageous or brave is their willingness to proceed in spite of uncertainty, risk, and exposure–and this is what a willingness to be vulnerable demonstrates.

Vulnerability Is Not Weakness, It is Fullness

There is a common misconception that when we say “be vulnerable” what we’re saying is to only feel “softer” emotions: like sadness, shame, or fear. While these emotions are indeed part of vulnerability, so are feelings like anger, disappointment, envy, jealousy, or even desire. 

Being vulnerable doesn’t inherently mean feeling any particular type of way; what it means is experiencing the fullness of one’s emotional experience, including more secondary or below the surface emotions that might feel more uncertain or risky for us to feel for whatever reason and potentially being willing to share those with others.

Vulnerability Gives Us Information

It takes a willingness to venture into uncertainty and risk to be vulnerable, but from vulnerability we gain information about ourselves, others, and our relationships. By being willing to experience the fullness of our emotional experience with curiosity and acceptance, we can learn so much more about our motivations, our fears, and our needs.

Getting more familiar with the emotions that may not come as naturally to you or the ones that feel risky or particularly difficult can tell you a lot about yourself as well as what it might be like for others to be in a relationship with you.

And expressing these vulnerabilities to close others not only allows them to have more information about you, but it also gives you a lot of information about how they handle vulnerability in others and whether they are someone you can trust. 

Vulnerability Isn’t All or Nothing

It's perfectly reasonable to not want to share your innermost vulnerable feelings with someone who you aren’t convinced will keep them safe or give them the space and respect they deserve. However, this is no reason to not be vulnerable with yourself and acknowledge the full range of your emotional experience.

When one person shows vulnerability, it encourages others to do the same; if you want your partner to share their experiences with you, trying to force them into it won't be very effective.

Demonstrating it to them and being the first to brave that territory has much better chances. 

Rather than being completely vulnerable with everyone right away, try giving small glimpses of it to others and making the choice to give more or not based on how they respond to you. Vulnerability is not sharing everything with everyone indiscriminately, it is sharing in intentional and thoughtful ways. 

Vulnerability Builds Connection and Trust

If we’re not in connection with our full selves, it makes it a lot more difficult to be in full connection with others. The more we are vulnerable with others and receive affirming, validating, and reciprocal responses from them, the more connection and trust we build with that person.

If you’re looking to feel closer to your partner, vulnerability can build intimacy, closeness, and connection that is enduring and resilient. 

Vulnerability Is Communication

Communication is crucial to relationship building and well-being, and vulnerability allows a person to really get in touch with what they and their partner are truly experiencing and needing. A vulnerable conversation after an argument can change it from a conflict to a miscommunication.

If you struggle to express your emotions openly to your partner or ask for what you need, it's going to be incredibly difficult for them to figure it out! Humans aren’t mind readers, and no matter how empathic we are or how well we might know someone, we cannot anticipate their needs or fully know their emotional experience without them communicating with us. 

Vulnerability Encourages Accountability True vulnerability neither blames, shames, nor criticizes.

Being vulnerable with someone involves sharing your emotional experience without additional commentary. It involves expressing “the story” you’re telling yourself about the situation. It’s much easier for us to listen to our partners talk about their own feelings than to hear them talk about us. Thus, communicating with vulnerability reduces the likelihood of receiving a defensive response from your partner. 

It allows others to understand their impact on us in a genuine way, enabling them to interpret it themselves. Instead of dictating how someone should feel, we invite them to respond to our emotions. 

If you decide to explore greater vulnerability with yourself or others, it’s crucial to be mindful of your reactions. Staying open, curious, and non-judgmental will continue to foster a vulnerable exchange. Asking open-ended questions, pausing before reacting, and exploring your own reactions can help you remain centered during these challenging conversations.