The Warning Signs of a Co-Dependent Relationship

We often hear about co-dependent relationships but it’s not always clear exactly what they are and how we can spot the warning signs of a co-dependent relationship. The term codependency was first used nearly 50 years ago to describe unhealthy relationships involving excessive control or compliance, often with one partner lacking self-sufficiency and autonomy. Negatively reinforcing behaviours can make a person reliant on another for happiness and they often reinforce these responses with overtly caring behavior.

Co-dependent relationship

These relationships are usually very one sided and can have a very negative impact on a person’s long term happiness, creating feelings of anxiety, exhaustion and depression.

These questions can be used to spot a co-dependent relationship:

• Is your partner’s approval vital for your own happiness, identity and self-worth?

• Do you support your partner’s behaviour at the cost of your own mental, emotional or physical health?

• Do you often feel anxious?

• Do you overlook unacceptable or destructive behavior from your partner in order to appease them and avoid conflict?

• Do you feel you make a lot more sacrifices than they do?

• Do you neglect your own friends, family or hobbies?

• Are you always the caregiver?

• Do you feel like what you do is almost never good enough?

• Do you or your partner often display passive aggressive traits?

• Do other people often find your behavior with your partner shocking?

• Is your mood dictated by your partner’s?

• Do you blame yourself when your partner is unhappy?

• Do you go out of your way to hide any of your partner’s behavior from others?

• Do you have trouble pinpointing your own feelings or thoughts or feel as though they aren’t important?

What to do if you see signs of a co-dependent relationship

If you see these signs of codependency within yourself or your relationship, you’ve taken an important first step toward understanding the dynamics that may be affecting your emotional well-being and the health of your partnership. Recognizing these behaviors is crucial; it requires a level of self-awareness that can lead to significant personal growth. Take the time to learn to identify these patterns and reflect on how they make you feel daily. Are you often putting your partner's needs above your own? Do you feel anxious when they are not around, or do you struggle to make decisions without their input? These feelings can provide insight into the codependent tendencies that may be present. Consider the idea of setting more boundaries with your partner as a vital strategy for fostering a more balanced relationship. Boundaries are essential in any relationship, as they help to define what is acceptable and what is not, allowing both partners to maintain their individuality while still being supportive of one another. Start by communicating your needs clearly and assertively, and encourage your partner to do the same. This practice not only promotes respect but also encourages both individuals to grow independently. Additionally, try to find happiness as an individual through engaging in hobbies or activities that you are passionate about. Whether it’s painting, hiking, reading, or any other pursuit, investing time in your interests will help you cultivate a sense of self-worth and fulfilment outside of the relationship. This journey toward self-discovery and independence will ultimately help you move toward a healthier form of dependence, one where both partners can thrive together while also enjoying their own personal growth.

Codependency is a learned behavior that often stems from early family dynamics and patterns. It can manifest in various ways, such as needing constant reassurance from your partner, feeling responsible for their happiness, or experiencing feelings of guilt when prioritizing your own needs. Many individuals find themselves repeatedly drawn into codependent relationships, often without realizing it, as they have internalized these patterns from their upbringing. However, as an adult, this partnership approach is inadequate and ultimately leads to dissatisfaction and emotional turmoil. A good relationship, in contrast, is characterized by interdependence, where both partners support each other while maintaining their own identities. This type of relationship thrives on mutual respect, open and honest communication, and shared happiness that does not come at the expense of one another's well-being. By striving for this balance, you can create a more fulfilling and enriching partnership that nurtures both individuals.