Building Healthier Relationships for a Healthier Life

Attraction goes beyond the desire sparked by someone’s appearance. It is a blend of various factors that, when combined, trigger the release of chemicals and hormones in our brains, creating a sense of intoxication with the other person.

How self-perception shapes attraction

The initial and perhaps most evident factor is physical appearance. It is the first thing we notice, even in online dating, and we quickly decide if we find it appealing. This judgment is based on two main factors:

• perception of self

• social norms around the definition of beauty

The first factor, self-perception, is influenced by the ego. The Cambridge dictionary defines “Ego” as “your idea or opinion of yourself, especially your feeling of your own importance and ability”.

Everyone has an ego, and we all vary in our levels of egocentrism. A strong ego may lead us to seek someone we deem worthy of us, while a weaker ego might drive us towards someone we hope to be worthy of. The focus shifts from inward to outward.

Consider these questions:

• Where do you stand on that scale? How does this affect your choice of potential partner?

• Is your choice influenced by how you feel about yourself?

• What does your inner voice say about yourself that draws you to a particular person?

This helps us understand the motivation behind interest in a particular person and whether it is a healthy driver.

The influence of social and cultural norms on attraction

The second factor, related to social norms, is shaped by the era we live in and cultural standards. Beauty standards have changed and continue to change. In the 1960s, for instance, curvier women were seen as the epitome of beauty. Fast forward 40 years, and thinness became the accepted beauty norm. Not fitting into 'social norms' can affect our ego and self-worth, leading to feelings of shame and guilt.

When we view someone else, these two perspectives influence our response, determining if we find them appealing. Though this may seem like a significant barrier, it is merely the entry point to wanting more. Simply put, this is the honey trap that draws attention but doesn’t equate to attraction.

Emotional closeness and feeling safe

The second and more crucial component of attraction is emotional closeness. This occurs when we feel safe enough to be completely open with someone and experience reciprocity. Our nervous systems communicate subconsciously, and our bodies are adept at picking up safety signals from others.

Attraction and emotional wellbeing

How does this help determine if someone is genuinely attracted to you, and how does it enable you to build healthier connections? Here are a few points to consider:

How much eye contact is made, and how intense is the gaze?

The brains constantly gather sensory information from the environment, focusing only on what is interesting. An intense and prolonged gaze signifies a high level of attention. Those with neurodiversity may find eye contact challenging, so keep this in mind.

How comfortable is it to be with this person?

Our nervous systems communicate at subconscious levels, known as neuroception. We experience three states throughout the day:

• State 1: vital functions, such as heart rate, breathing rate, or body temperature, are within a baseline rate (average heart rate is 60bpm, but yours may vary). This state promotes connection and engagement with others.

• State 2: Vital functions are hyper-aroused (above baseline rate). This occurs when we perceive a threat and our brain decides we can take action – our “fight or flight” response. This signals nervousness and unease and may evoke a similar response from the other person, as states are communicative.

• State 3: Vital functions are hypo-aroused (below baseline rate). This state is experienced when we sense a threat too large to confront – we shut down.

Feeling comfortable reflects being in state 1 and likely indicates a sense of safety with the other person. Feeling safe helps the brain experience pleasure rather than pain.

Is there reciprocity?

Reciprocity means both parties are engaged with each other, much like a dance where two people are in sync with the music. Reciprocity also involves mirroring, which fosters engagement and builds emotional closeness.

If you notice these three points, there is a strong chance that attraction and perhaps more are present in the relationship, allowing you to build healthier connections.

Building healthier relationships

Understanding attraction and why we feel attracted is key to building healthy relationships. To assess this, we need strong self-awareness, as most of the above points relate to oneself, something psychosexual and relationship therapy can assist with.