Anger Management

Updated: Feb 1

Internal Vs External Anger – How to Manage Both Effectively

When you think of anger what comes to mind? Perhaps a shouting, red-faced person hurling insults? How about a quiet, anxious person hiding in their home? This second example isn’t what most people commonly associate with anger but, as a therapist, I know how complex anger can be. Anger is responsible for many different issues. You might not always realise that unresolved anger is to blame.

So, what are the two sides of anger?

The Two Faces of Anger

When someone grapples with anger, it can impact them in numerous ways. Anger itself isn't unhealthy—it's a normal human emotion. However, managing it effectively can be challenging. Firstly, it's an intense emotion, and secondly, there are many social stigmas linked to anger. We often resort to unhelpful methods to process our anger, which leads to additional issues.

Anger triggers both emotional and physical reactions. It is often a response to feeling threatened. Therefore, it's understandable that our body reacts with an enhanced ability to defend itself—' fight or flight'. However, we cannot react impulsively towards everything or everyone that angers us. As a result, people develop various conscious and subconscious strategies to manage these feelings.

Anger Turned Outwards

Anger turned outwards and expressed inappropriately is probably what most of us think of when we think of anger issues.

Explosive Anger

Some people feel like they have very

It explodes, often without warning, and they experience rage. This can result in aggression, shouting, abuse (towards themselves, others, or objects), violence, property damage and dangerous behaviour. It’s obviously not ideal for several reasons. It will isolate you from other people, can be dangerous and can get you into trouble. People who experience this must seek help with anger management.

Anger & Destructive Behaviour

When anger elicits a feeling of shame or lack of control some people turn to unhealthy behaviours to try and negate this. They try to combat the feeling with coping behaviours that help them feel in control or as a way of punishing themselves. Self-harm is associated with anger. It is something some people use to process the feelings or to punish themselves for feeling angry in the first place. Not all self-harm is immediately obvious. Consider dangerous activities and sports, recklessness, excessive alcohol consumption, drug misuse and over/undereating. These might distract from negative emotions for a while, but at the end of the day, you are punishing and harming yourself.

Anger Turned Inwards

Another approach individuals use to handle unresolved anger is to suppress or redirect it. They may internalize it, or attempt to transform it into something else. While distraction and enforced positivity might provide temporary relief, they ultimately lead to more significant issues.

Internalized anger can manifest as physical symptoms, including high blood pressure, depression, headaches, and tension. It can also result in passive-aggressive behavior, which is detrimental to relationships. Individuals who internalize anger may become socially withdrawn, sullen, irritable, and moody.

Many of my clients seek assistance for issues other than anger, unaware that anger is the underlying cause. This is where hypnotherapy proves invaluable. For effective change and relief, it is essential to address the root cause, not merely the symptoms.

Accumulated anger can create a pervasive sense of being ‘on edge’ and uncomfortable. It simmers beneath the surface and may manifest as anxiety or depression. Managing such a powerful emotion exacts a physical and mental toll, often resulting in chronic fatigue.

Anger & Low Self Esteem

There’s also a link between low self-esteem and anger. Feeling angry all the time can damage someone’s self-esteem. Some anger-avoidant people do not want to experience or express anger at all. They feel it makes them a bad person and this triggers shame. It’s completely healthy and normal to feel anger but some people find experiencing this powerful emotion extremely distressing. This is often seen in those whose upbringing discouraged these kinds of emotions or those who have been exposed to violence or abuse.

People who have deep shame attached to anger may become isolated and avoid socialising. They may feel depressed or have social anxiety. When they experience anger or related shame, they may display physical signs such as sweating, blushing, or shaking, which makes them feel even worse.

Conversely, sometimes anger is caused by confidence and self-esteem issues. When we learn to recognise, allow and use anger positively, we feel validated and more competent.

Anger & Anxiety

Certain families in past generations often discouraged children from expressing anger, viewing it as inappropriate behavior. Instead of guiding children to acknowledge and manage these emotions, they attempted to suppress or control them. If you were raised in an environment where your anger was seldom recognized, you might currently misinterpret these feelings as fear, anxiety, or panic. Anger is a potent emotion, and a lack of understanding of it can lead to anxiety. This is particularly true if one has been conditioned to perceive anger as inherently destructive.

Learning to identify and accept anger and using it to gain self-understanding can help us attain a renewed sense of empowerment and tranquillity.

How to Express Anger Healthily

The most effective way to manage anger is to express it constructively and safely. Utilizing effective and assertive communication can be beneficial in achieving this. It is essential to convey your needs, boundaries, and emotions while maintaining respect and avoiding aggression.

If expressing anger is not feasible or appropriate, you may find it helpful to calm the anger. To accomplish this efficiently it is important to regulate your internal thoughts and responses, rather than merely your external behavior.

The ability to efficiently manage anger is a significant asset and can greatly enhance one's happiness and well-being.